DAY 17: ECQ

Less than an hour ago, somebody very close to my nephews ... somebody who they grew up with ... somebody who has always been a part of their lives... was stolen by the virus.

I know the boys are heartbroken: suddenly the impact of this pandemic is right at the doorstep.  The heartbreak is no longer something you think about. Now the pain is real.

They have lost a childhood friend ... who was their age, who spent years of her life with them, who they loved right to the very end.

And they cannot even be with her family because we are all locked up in our little worlds right now, threatened not by law but by survival.  The danger is no longer a concept either. It is real.  You do not want to make headcounts of how many people you know by name or by face or by encounter have been taken away brutally by the virus.

On the seventeenth day, the learning continues  The truth and inevitability of death is just one of them.  There are so many more than I have come to realize throughout this day when I desperately try to make it sound normal so that I may be useful.

(1) Ever since the lock-in, I have not worn clothes meant for the outside world.

I have been in my comfortable house clothes --- the only time I wear shoes is when I work out in the patio for an hour and give myself a little sun. But it is not like I am wearing my gym clothes or anything like that. 

So far the past two weeks, I have not worn long pants: no slacks, jeans or joggers. I have not work anything with a collar. 

All my real world clothes have been washed, dried and ironed and stacked in my closet since I found no use for them for the past seventeen days.

That was when something hit me. My God, why do I have all these clothes?

Suddenly they were meaningless, useless.  I do not want to go out because people my age are at biggest risk if we dared to venture into the outside world.  Even if I wanted to step out of my home, the risks are much too big as people I know are just being taken away by this unspeakable chain of events.

I realize that these clothes meant to cover me ... or even define in the eyes of others are really meaningless when it comes to a choice between life or death.  It does not matter what you wear: it is how you take care of your body that is most important.

(2) I also look at my shoes and tell myself "What a fool have you been?"  I have all these shoes and nowhere to go.  

All my life I have been defining myself by things I do outside this house.

It is mind boggling enough to realize that I have stayed in here for seventeen straight days with no reason whatsoever to wear any of my good shoes.  When it goes down to basics ... what they have been saying all along is true.  But it is different when truth smacks you right in the face.

All these material things you accumulate to prove to yourself and the world about what you are worth ... are useless when it comes to facing the dilemma of survival.  Not the brand of your cars, not the signature labels of your clothes ... 

I was told about that. I know that.  But now all these deaths and tragedies and feeling of helplessness emphasize this all the more.


(3) It is about the people.  It is about needing others.

In my line of work, I meet a whole spectrum of personalities: from geniuses to fools who actually think they are smart, for people who want to use you and even some people who want to be used.  There are people you have to like because they are part of a machinery that runs your everyday life.  But there are others who you really like ... some who you love in varying degrees and for an even greater assortment of reasons.

Now that we are forced to be isolated from one another, the need to reach out becomes all the more important.

A moment of abandonment here: the first thing I am going to do when they announce that it is already one hundred percent safe is that I am going to go around hugging people I love. I will not be happy with handshakes or those all too rehearsed and polite beso-besos.  I am going to be HUGGING PEOPLE.

What this virus taught us is that we need each other. 

What this pandemic made us realize is that we have people who form all kinds of families in our lives: biological families, peer families,  incidental families.

Tonight I want to make sure my nephews are all right because their close friend died but I cannot do anything but send messages through the Facebook Messenger or text them.

We make it a point to have a group video chat in Zoom or in Facebook with my friends just to check up on how we are doing, how we look and the effects of not shaving for two weeks.  We all try to make a joke out of it because the situation is NOT FUNNY but that is the only way we can cope.

I miss my kids in school.  I worry about them ... especially some who I know need somebody to slap their hands occasionally or tell them to tow the line.  I miss seeing the faces of my co-workers on the set ... the sound of people having lunch in the cafeteria or right in the middle of a street while shooting on location. I miss my friends at the gym, my spinning class instructors and classmates.

I miss people ... and I want them back so badly.


(4) I am being taught the importance of solitude and the value of silence.

I hated Manila traffic.  I hated the noise, the cacophony.

Then it all stopped.

Instead I heard the wind rustling through the leaves and ... oh, God ... the chirping of birds.

And I went crazy with the silence.

I realized that I was not used to it but I was being taught.  

I was being punished for my insatiable greed for sounds, colors and sensations. So now I am being taught how to remain still. Be quiet.
And, as I mentioned in an earlier entry, TO ACCEPT.

I am being made to realize the value of life ... and the significance of death.

In a span of two weeks, so many people I know have died.  You read the news and find out the death toll tumbling from the U.S. and Europe.  Then ... only then you realize ... how much of a fool we have all been to think that we have nearly touched the magic of omnipotence.

No, we are not all powerful.  We are weak. We are human. And in accepting that ... that is when we validate who we are and what we are worth.