Dear Mister President:
Happy birthday po.
Kainis lang that what should have been a day of national celebration was just so overwhelmed by the nakakaloka events happening all over. If you ask me po, I was talagang nainis. I mean, why naman of all the days did he decide to kill himself today?
It is bad enough that yesterday ... some military officers with bad haircuts and ill-fitting barongs were the talk of the town as they were being interrogated and literally eaten alive by such impeccably dressed senators.
(Sir, magkaaminan na tayo po. Ang guwapo ngayon ni Senator Jinggoy. Ang ganda ng buhok, ang ganda ng katawan kaya ang ganda ng dating ng kanyang Paul Cabral shirt. You should really consider doing more than token biking around the Palace grounds or pa-jogging-jogging diyan. Unfortunately, driving around a Porsche does not burn calories.)
Now naman they have this thing in the Lower House with Heidi and Rebusa --- who have really become such sensations that they have literally overshadowed the news that Piolo and KC are on na pala or that the new Regine/Dingdong telenovela premiered last night ... or that TV5 has its own version of "Mano Po" set in Payatas.
Worse is that ... nobody remembered it is your birthday! Kainis!
I mean if there was anyone who was sweet enough to put a red mark around the calendar and remind everybody that today is a very special day for the country ... then it was your baby sister.
Di ba she just announced that you were exclusively dating again? Oh, that will really send the kilig meter exploding ... although honestly I heard a lot of people say that they couldn't give a hoot about your love life, but who cares? It really helps to add that romantic angle to your public image ... para you sound and look human to the madlang people.
If there is anyone who is so good at that ... at being able to charm the people through media, then it is your baby sister, di ba? She is better than any one in your communications group because her career spanned from the time when she was Queen of the Disaster Movies until she became Queen of All Media. And no one can dare question that galing in media. So you better listen to Josh's Mumsy when she advises you not only on how to dress ( Sir, the slacks waistline above the bellybutton is so mid-1980s pa. That used to go so well with outfits made by Kirei) but also on how to present yourself on television and in print. It has got something to do with ooomph! It has everything to do with remaining interesting.
Or even assuring everyone that you are there.
I mean look at what you have done for Shalani Soledad! She now has a top-rating show that air six times a week on prime time. That is really cool, di ba? There is no doubt that she is really out there! And she is not even in a show entitled Happy, Yipee, Yehey!
Which brings me to my next point, Sir.
OK, I know it is your birthday and parang it is not polite naman to go ngek-ngek-ngeking or something like that.
No, it is not about the Lexus. I think a lot of people misunderstood you about that.
O sige na. Pati na rin the Porsche.
As the saying goes: The rich are different from you and me. You were born rich. Your fans keep reminding everyone that. You were not only born with a silver spoon in your mouth --- you had the entire silverware. My goodness, will you please remind everybody that you are a scion of a haciendero. Tell them to read your lips: Ha-cien-da Lu-i-si-ta.
So these big toys for the big boys are really nothing but second nature to your species, di ba? So what's the big deal ba? You like cars! Fine! Some presidents like expensive wine. Others like crooked deals. But at least ... you spend for your own bisyo! As your cheerleaders noted, you don't make pakialam the kaban ng bayan just so that you can have your joyrides, no?
So what's my problem? Ok, like this ...
I guess what I am more concerned about is not what you are doing but rather what you seem not to be doing at all.
Sir naman, at the start we thought you were so rah-rah-rah with the RH Bill.
Di ba you were so up front pa saying that this bill must pass and that the country needs this, etcetera, etcetera. Even if the men of the robe were wagging their staffs and invoking the heavens to send everything from thunder, lightning, fire, brimstone down to a partridge in a pear tree, you looked and sounded so undaunted.
Sir, sa totoo lang ... for the first time, napabilib mo ako.
Whereas all the previous Chief Executives always play footsies with churches and the agents of the afterlife, you sounded so determined. You sounded so sure that you wanted this Bill to pass. And naiyak ako. For once I said to myself, "OK, I may be wrong. He's got the gumption. He is not going to buckle down to threats of ex-communication or the attack of exorcists!"
And then a day before your birthday, we hear that you said raw that the RH Bill will no longer be a priority.
Ano yun? Your spokesman said that the Palace raw will meet the Men in Cloaks and discuss the matter before making a decision and that there are other pressing matters that demand immediate attention. Teka, teka ... Sir, I think the fact that we have reached the point of actually exporting people to turn into laborers and call them New Heroes says a lot about just how many Pinoys there are out there that we are treating them like Guimaras mangoes.
Then another thing.
Today was such a confusing day. Somebody big killed himself. There was the next installment of that harassing telenovela ng tunay na buhay ng kurakutan at pagnanakaw taking place at the Lower House ... then there was the whole issue about the rising electric bills, the price of oil, etcetera, etcetera. Of course naman we do not expect you to provide an answer to all these problems. I think not anyone in this country even knows all the questions.
Pero naman,Sir ... sana naman you are there. I know you said you are not publicity-hungry pero you didn't tell us naman that you were shy. Or reclusive. Hindi naman siguro anti-social.
No, we do not expect you to give speeches ... for God knows how sick and tired we are of politicians giving privilege speeches at the slightest provocation. We do not even expect you to recite poems like Invictus like Nelson Mandela ... or crack a joke ... or tell another anecdote about your mother.
In moments like these, we need the presence of a President. Kasi we want to feel that this country has a leader. Like that lang.
We know it is your birthday today. We know it was such a hassle that all these protesters decided not to bring spaghetti, lumpiang shanghai and balloons to Malacanang and instead waved their placards and sang their protest songs or hollered their chants in Mendiola. Party poopers, no? But still ... the only time we saw you today ... while the country was dizzy with confusion because of events happening all at the same time ... was when you were lining up to renew your license at the LTO. Because it is your birthday, after all. Baka you wanted to drive around your Porsche.
No, Sir. I do not believe you spend your free time playing video games with Josh. I think that's a mean and nasty rumor.
I think Porsches are cool ... and if you can afford a Lexus, bakit hindi? Manigas sila sa inggit.
And I think you can date anybody you want. They can even report in pep.ph with live stream video ... and Kuya Boy can even give sweet commentaries about your clandestine dates in Da Buzz. Pakialam ba nila?
But we need a president. In a Lexus. In a Porsche. With or without a girlfriend. Even playing video games.
And when the chance permits, Sir ... I will challenge you to a best out of ten game of Angry Birds. It shall be an honor, Sir.
Happy birthday po.